Never get behind me in a checkout line. I'm the one who always gets behind the person with a problem.
They waited for me to get out of school before getting rid of those slate blackboards that give me goose bumps just thinking about them.
A friend of mine told me he got out of the Army because he got tired of wearing fatigues.
The Egyptians once got involved in a pyramid scheme.
My first car had an external combustion engine.
In the song, Teen Angel, the girl meets her demise when she runs back to retrieve a high school ring from a car stalled on the railroad tracks. Cause of death: Natural Selection.
The only Beach Boy who ever surfed, drowned. . .
The fact that I've never known of anything that worked right every single time is why I consider skydiving a spectator sport.
I told a friend that if he gave me some money, I would keep part of it and go play blackjack with the remainder. If I won, I'd take part of the winnings, too. He told me I was crazy. I told him to get rid of his stockbroker.
Am I misunderstanding something, or do beer commercials tell people that it's okay to steal, as long as the stolen property is your favorite beer?
I wanted to work on Madison Avenue, but messed everything up when I completed the eighth grade.
I get annoyed by tailgaters, as well as by cars that ride right on my front bumper.
It's probably good that the moon rocks they brought back weren't made of precious metals.
Professional wrestling is real. Contrary to popular belief, however, the moon really is made of bleu cheese.
Of all the theories about when life began, I find primordial soup the hardest to swallow.
I figure if I built a time machine and traveled twenty years into the future and had died sometime before that, I could never get back. The same goes for traveling back to a time before I was born. I'm working on these problems.
I told myself years ago that I would be a millionaire by the time I was fifty. Fortunately, I never told anyone else.
For awhile, I thought the song, Nights in White Satin, was Knights in White Satin. I'm not sure either one makes much sense.
I had artificial turf put down in my yard, but I can't figure out where to get artificial weed killer.
New Jersey shut down its government due to budget problems. I've never felt better!
The only reason I watched the movie, "Legends of the Fall," is because I thought it was going to be about football.
The statement, "No other pain killer is more effective than Brand X," does not necessarily imply that any of them, including Brand X, are effective at all.
There's nothing wrong with procrastinating, as long as you keep putting it off.
I don't know why someone would sing, Polly Wolly Doodle all day long.
When someone says, "Can I ask you something?" they already have.
I don't remember ever having amnesia.
What happens when an insomniac gets sleeping sickness?
Some people think I'm argumentative. I disagree.
They raised taxes again in New Jersey. Next week they're planning on adding some salt to the ocean.
My doctor told me I'm overweight. I told him he's overpaid.
I couldn't see going to work yesterday, so I told my employer I had eye problems.
I saw a commercial on TV for medication to help you sleep. They said that one of the side effects is that is can cause drowsiness. Duh...
I think, therefore I can.
According to the FDA, Jack Sprat can eat some fat, as long as it doesn't exceed 30 percent of his total caloric intake. His wife is another problem.
If someone named Jack Horner offers you a piece of pie, politely decline.
No, I don't know the Muffin Man.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, just to have some fun. Jack did fall and fractured his skull, and Jill called nine-one-one.
On my way to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives, and the police promptly arrested him for polygamy.
It scares me when people type "LOL" after every sentence.
I have this recurring nightmare that I'm lost in the wilderness without food for a few days, and I finally stumble upon a farmhouse and all they have to eat is brussels sprouts.
Just because a pepperoni pizza has something from all four food groups doesn't make it a health food.
If someone tells you that they always tell lies, don't believe them.
The only people who think there is a lot of corruption in New Jersey are those who don't know anything about New Jersey, and those who do.
The term, "inner tube," always made sense to me, but I could never figure out how they came up with the word, "tire." Seems as if it would be more appropriate for something related to the exhaust system.
I'm ton dyslexic!
Pessimists have a better chance of being pleasantly surprised, than optimists.
All I can say about Marion Barry is, "The old gray mayor, he ain't what he used to be." Hopefully, that is.
Many women seem to want love and confection.
If the future is now, then so is the past.
Notice to women: Asking and nagging are not synonyms.
Little Known Fact: The phrase, "Far out!" originated in Georgia, right after the burning of Atlanta, during the Civil War.
When someone tells me they hope that all my dreams come true, they obviously aren't having the same dreams I'm having.
The love of money isn't the root of all evil. The lack of money is the root of some of it.
I wish I had thought of the saying, "Be careful what you wish for."
I'm sort of a philanthropist. I give a lot of my money away to the government.
I used to be in favor of states' rights. Then I moved back to New Jersey.
Why do they call it, whole wheat? Is there such a thing as half wheat?
Most animals don't scare me as much as some people do.
A stitch in time saves nine, but doesn't rhyme.
Was Little Red Riding Hood really so stupid that she actually mistook a wolf for her grandmother?
Ask not what your country can do for you, ask, "How much will it cost me in taxes?"
I don't hate brussels sprouts. I only hate eating them.
The only advice I ever give anyone is to never give anyone advice.
"Let a smile be your umbrella" sounds like really bad advice.
You don't need an apple a day anymore. Doctors don't make house calls.
I don't care about the outcome, only the income.
If you can't read this, it doesn't matter.
Time marches off.
Weird, but if you plant pickle seeds, you don't get pickles.
I was going to make a surprise dinner, but I just couldn't find the thyme.
Junkyard sign: "We refuse to refuse refuse."
Walk softly and carry a gun.
All cameras are digital. You operate them with your fingers.
I think, therefore I'm not a politician.
To be honest, I don't really want to feel your pain. I don't even want to feel mine.
A baker told me that since he hired some assistants, he doesn't knead any more dough.
Runners like to carb up before a race, to build up flour power.
He couldn't find anyone to go tubing with him, so he decided to float alone.
My tailor told me he had a sew-sew year.
Every time I've ever rented a movie, I've somehow managed to pick one that's formatted for my TV.
I once dreamed that I was dreaming, so when I woke up from the dream in my dream, I was still asleep.
I keep waking up from this recurring dream that I don't have much money, then I realize it's not a dream.
Someone asked me, "If money weren't an object, what would you buy?" Apparently nothing. Like, what would I buy it with?
I can't see the forest because it isn't there anymore.
I can't seem to remember what I've forgotten.
Some people think I'm apathetic, but I really don't care.
I was writing my memoirs, but I misplaced them.
I have everything I need, and apparently I don't need very much.
Sometimes it's good to be negative, especially with respect to medical tests.
Anyone who says there are two sides to everything lacks depth.
When someone asks me to prove something, I give them a bowl of pudding.
I started to make some hasty pudding, but ran out of time.
I'm optimistic that everything will turn out wrong.
Spraying your cotton crop with pesticides will bring no weevil.
People who worship corn are ear reverent.
Digital photography is getting better and better, and I can see no negative developments in the future.
I hate when someone asks me, "Do you know what you forgot to consider?" Of course I don't know, or I wouldn't have forgotten to consider it.
I never live in the past, but I used to.
A friend told me there's an explanation for everything, but he couldn't explain why.
I was thinking about my childhood and suddenly realized I'm living in the future.
I wrote a letter to myself, but I received no reply.
The only way I've ever been able to save money is by not buying something. Last week, I saved $80,000 by not buying a Mercedes.
I wonder if the guys who dumped tea in Boston Harbor to protest "taxation without representation," knew what "taxation with representation" was really like?
It's almost impossible to drive out of New Jersey without paying a toll, and a lot of people think it's well worth the price.
I lie awake at night, worrying about getting insomnia.
Ford used to say it had a better idea. I'm still waiting.
If your primary goal is failure, it's easy to succeed.
If charity begins at home, why isn't anyone sending me money?
I have almost as much energy as I ever did, but it doesn't last very long.
I like the real estate ads that say, "Won't last long!"
Food for thought: The only incorrect word in head cheese is cheese.
I always try to do the right thing, but I don't try very hard.
I threw a party and the pizza place delivered Di Giorno pizzas. I didn't know what to tell the guests.
Jack Spratt's wife pioneered the low-carb diet.
Once I was lost, now I have a GPS.
People say it's unlucky to pick up a penny that's tails up, but I never hear them say that about nickels, dimes, and quarters.
A job interviewer told me I didn't have any relevant experience for the job. I told him if he didn't hire me, I probably wouldn't get any, either.
I expect to keep my one New Year's resolution of not making any New Year's resolutions.
Okay, maybe I could get rich by gambling, but I'm not betting on it.
I don't prorate New Year's. I celebrate it on my birthday.
The beer commercials on TV have succeeded in convincing me that only stupid people drink beer.
I'm thinking of buying a Toyota pickup truck, just in case I happen to get attacked by the Loch Ness Monster while driving to Home Depot.
What they never told us: Jack Sprat's wife had a quadruple bypass.
I'm always thinking of ways to get rich, but I never come up with anything.
Serutan was invented by someone with dyslexia.
When the going gets tough, I've had enough.
Charity begins at home, so I'm donating my entire income to myself.
Plastic surgery has given "picking your nose" a whole new meaning.
The best defense is a good defense.
I'm too humble to buy vanity plates. Besides, "NUMBER 1" is already taken.
I was going to write something here, but I forgot what it was.
I think, therefore. . . well, so much for that.
Someone told me he forgot more than I ever knew about football. I said, "So now we're about even, right?"
If all my dreams had come true, I would have run off with my childhood sweetheart just before being devoured by a monster or falling off a cliff.
I don't think I've ever seen a turnip truck, and don't know anyone who ever admitted to falling off of one.
I can walk on water, but only when it's real cold outside.
I doubt that I'm a skeptic.
I built a time machine next year. I'm almost back.
A friend told me he thought I tended to be very disagreeable, and I agreed with him.
How many government employees does it take to change a light bulb? None. Just because the bulb isn't working is no reason to replace it.
I've only made one misteak. Okay, make that two.
I'm not a shepherd, but I heard sheep.
I knew a slum lord who had really bad manors.