A Site for Shore Eyes

Fortunately for the residents of Wildwood, two of the three incumbents were reelected, as well as a current police officer, but he was elected, not reelected. The latter situation has people (mostly attorneys and judges) trying to figure out if a person should work for himself. Or maybe it’s more a case of being the superior of his superior. Whatever it is, it should be a no-brainer, because it seems obvious that being the boss of your boss sort of resembles the song, “I’m My Own Grandpa.” That’s right, a guy’s father marries his son’s wife’s daughter, so the son becomes the father of his father, or something like that. All of this makes my head hurt, so we’ll just have to wait with bated breath for the results.

The omniscient mayor stated, the other day, that the boardwalk doesn’t have to be made of wood. Perhaps not, but I think they should pass a resolution that it should either be made of boards, or renamed. The Wildwood Concrete Slab Walk sounds a bit catchy, don’t you think? Maybe the contract could be awarded to the mayor’s concrete company, but I don’t think that’s what he had in mind when he suggested using something other than wood. How about, The Wildwood Recycled Plastic Plank Walk?

In other news, Cape May is already spending the additional money it anticipates gathering from parking meters, if the new ordinance is approved. I don’t know how they figured on $280,000, but figure it they did. Their idea is to use the money to provide free trolley service, so as to ease traffic congestion. One of the officials surmised, probably while rubbing his chin, that if trolley service were free, more people would probably use it. Many store owners, facing less-than-anticipated revenues, are now considering giving away their merchandise for free, in the hopes that more people will come into their stores. The only thing puzzling, is why someone didn’t come up with this concept sooner?

I suppose that increasing parking meter fees, and using the additional revenue to fund free trolley service makes more sense than providing free parking and charging for trolley service. What exactly is the point here? Demonstrating good will by raising parking meter fees? Why not just leave well enough alone?

This just in: Wildwood officials are now considering raising parking meter and parking lot fees and providing free tram car service. They promise that, with the additional funds collected, they’ll try real hard to make some of the streets sort of level.

In other news, a local bank donated an impressive computerized sign to North Wildwood. It’s a dual-purpose sign that welcomes visitors to the island and provides cover for police cars guarding the entrance against speeders.

Have a happy Memorial Day!

Memorial Day, the unofficial start of the summer season at the shore, is almost upon us. In order to make the transition as smooth as possible, I agreed to answer questions from potential visitors to our resort:

• Q: Do you know of an easy and non-messy way of cleaning a blue claw crab?

A: Fortunately, I do. Go to your favorite restaurant and order a crab cake, or crab meat au gratin, or some similar dish. This is surely the easiest method of cleaning a crab.

• Q: Speaking of crabs, why are they called “dead man’s gills?”

A: Why, indeed? In this politically-correct world, they should be called, “dead person’s gills.”

• Q: On the Wildwood boardwalk, why do they want you to keep watching the tram cars? There’s really not much to see there.

A: I’m really not sure, although someone once suggested that they contained subliminal advertising, but that was proven false. I think they should have a horn, so people would get out of the way, instead of just standing there gawking.

• Q: How can I tell if an amusement ride is safe?

A: You can ask to do an inspection before riding. Inspect key structural components for defects. For example, if a connection calls for a high-strength bolt that was replaced with a stove bolt from Binky’s Hardware, I would advise not getting on that ride. If you really can’t tell the difference, just assume that the ride is safe, because it was also inspected by state officials who always ask the owner whether or not the ride is safe.

• Q: How can I ensure that I won’t get attacked by a shark while I’m bathing in the ocean?

A: Stand in shallow water (about six or eight inches deep) and splash yourself. The goose bumps will go away after you’re safely back on the beach.

• Q: What is “crab mustard,” and is it safe to eat?

A: It’s safe to eat, so they say. Knock yourself out.

• Q: I always have trouble opening clams. Is there some easy way to do this?

A: There is, but shucks, I haven’t figured it out yet. Buy them on the half shell.

• Q: Why does “Uncle Bill” seem to have a monopoly on the pancake business at the shore?

A: Apparently, “Uncle Lou” passed on, leaving everything to Uncle Bill.

• Q: Years ago, they had seagulls painted on the surface of Ocean Drive. Someone told me that it was supposed to prevent seagulls from dropping clams on the road, sometimes hitting cars. Why aren’t they there any more?

A: Herring gulls are a little smarter than people once thought.

• Q: I love boardwalk food. Do you have any recommendations?

A: I certainly do. Pizza, hot dogs, and sausage sandwiches are my favorites. Try not to overindulge.

I hope this provides some useful guidance to both those who sent in questions, as well as those who always wondered about these things, but could never seem to find the answers. Have a great Memorial Day Weekend, and an endless summer!

The Friday night rush to the shore gained considerable momentum this past week, and in under two weeks, the Memorial Day Weekend crowd will clog the highways. Every year, some of these drivers and passengers become statistics during this frenzied rush to the resort barrier islands. In an attempt to help prevent unpleasant incidents, such as fiery crashes, I offer a few driving guidelines for parade participants:

1. One important item to keep in mind is that, barring some major catastrophe or natural disaster, your friendly resort town is likely to still be there, even if you aren’t. Never forget the important story of the tortoise and the hare.
2. If you tend to be one of those individuals pooping your pants to pass everyone on the road, invest in some astronaut-style diapers and relax. Remember rule No. 1.
3. Check your rearview mirror. If it appears that you’re leading a parade of thirty or more cars, put on your flashers and pull onto the shoulder of the road, thus allowing some of the diaper wearers to pass. When it’s safe, reenter the roadway. Usually, this occurs at about two a.m.
4. If you feel the urge to make a rest stop and are not wearing the aforementioned astronaut-style diapers, but see no rest area nearby, stop anyway. Seasoned travelers know that the woods are full of unmarked rest facilities. Ask any bear.
5. If one of your primary goals is to be the first person on the beach, relax, because you will miss that goal. No one is ever the first person on the beach, because there is always someone there before you.
6. Rule No. 5 applies to the boardwalk as well.
7. Uncle Bill never runs out of pancakes.
8. Make reservations for most of your planned activities. For maximum effectiveness, make them somewhere else.
9. Never exceed the speed limit by more than ten miles per hour, unless you’re in the governor’s motorcade. Only the governor’s motorcade can travel safely at speeds in excess of . . . okay, my research assistant just informed me that I should strike that last sentence.
10. Always wear your seatbelt. Only the governor can safely. . . there’s that pesky research assistant again! Never mind.
11. Remember to keep things in perspective. It’s “drive, then drink”, not “drink and drive.”

My main point is that there are a lot of crazy drivers on the road and you’re probably one of them. So stay home, if at all possible. Ha-ha, I’m only kidding! We need you and your hard-earned dollars here at the shore. I just want to make sure you get them here.

The FBI, as everyone now knows, foiled a plot by some Muslim men to attack Fort Dix, in New Jersey. They knew the entire layout of the base, thanks to satellite photos and Google Earth. Oops! My research assistant just informed me that they learned the layout of the base from delivering pizzas there, not from satellite photos. They even had a map of the base posted on the wall for the drivers. I guess this operation was a little less high tech than I had suspected.

One question that weighs heavy on my mind is, why are illegal aliens (or any civilians, for that matter) permitted to deliver pizzas to a military base after the events of 9-11? Like the military can’t accept the deliveries at the gate and have a duty driver perform the on-base deliveries?

Neighbors of the individuals arrested in the foiled plot expressed surprise, because they seemed like decent people. Yes, the women members of the families wore head scarves, but neighbors apparently thought that was just a throwback to the 1950’s. Duh! Are some Americans really so naive that they think terrorists will act mean and put up “Terrorist Headquarters” signs? Nope – apparently they’re just plain stupid or something. I hear the same tireless drivel every time someone is arrested for a serious crime, such as homicide. “Oh, he (or she) was a good neighbor and even helped me find my lost cat one time.” Double duh!

The alleged terrorists apparently are as stupid as their neighbors. They never suspected that undercover agents would trick them by not wearing uniforms and flashing their badges. They’re considering filing a lawsuit because their civil rights were violated.

Relatives of the arrested men stated that the men are not terrorists, and only went to a rifle range in the Poconos for clean, wholesome, fun. If I ever need to have someone vouch for someone I don’t know, I intend to start with relatives, because they tend not to be biased. This pretty much establishes the fact that the FBI cooked this whole thing up because one of the agents probably got a bad roofing job from one or more of the men. It’s high time we start restricting the powers of these loose cannon FBI agents.

Investigators announced that they didn’t think this planned operation had any ties to international terrorism, and that anyone who believed this, solely on the basis that all of the foiled perpetrators were Muslims, should be arrested for hate crimes opinions. I certainly don’t believe this, for the record. Maybe off the record, but not for it, so don’t come after me. I mean, don’t most people download terrorist training DVD’s from Al-Quaida? And don’t they also want to kill as many American soldiers as possible?

The news media reported that all of these individuals were in this country illegally. Makes me wonder how they owned houses, and one even had a New Jersey driver’s license! The latter is pretty much astounding, especially to any native-born New Jersey person who has ever tried to get a driver’s license in the state.

So, we can all breathe a little easier, now that the FBI has foiled this alleged terrorist (or non-terrorist) attack. Don’t breathe too deeply, though, because many others are still waiting in the wings.

If you cruise down the Garden State Parkway on the way to Cape May without EZ-Pass, don’t assume you won’t be digging for any more quarters. Seasoned visitors to the last resort in New Jersey know enough to pack a large piggy bank before departing. This year, it’s likely you may consider feeding not only your pig, but a few piglets as well.

If it has their way, city council wants to raise the cost of parking by giving only fifteen, instead of twenty, minutes for every quarter shoved into a parking meter. They are also considering putting meters on the east side of town, a largely residential area.

This came about during a brainstorming session when the mayor, city manager, and council members tried to come up with ideas for improving the city’s image. First, they considered adding more sand to the skimpy beaches, thinking that, with larger beaches, they could rake in more revenue from beach tag sales. This was rejected when someone pointed out that the Wildwoods have been stealing sand from Cape May for decades. Another member suggested erecting toll booths at each entrance to the city. When someone pointed out that this measure might keep some visitors from even entering Cape May, they considered putting the booths at the exits to the city, similar to the method of extortion used by the state when people leave. They finally rejected both options because high-speed toll lanes would be required in the event the governor’s motorcade paid a visit.

Many other proposals were considered, including a three-mile-per-hour speed limit, a sure revenue builder, but someone pointed out that this would take vehicles too long to go from parking meter to parking meter, resulting in a net loss, when all was considered. Or so they say.

So, decreasing the parking meter time won first prize, but the ordinance won’t be introduced until May 15, and probably won’t be implemented until sometime in July. Unsubstantiated rumors suggest that they’re considering making the increases (in fees) retroactive. Parkers will be required to take SASE’s to mail in the additional parking fees they didn’t have to pay before the ordinance took effect.

Much of this came about because the town manager claimed that the city has a meter revenue loss of $387,000 from 2002 through 2006. This is much like saying I had a revenue increase of $387,000 by not buying a Lamborghini. Either way, neither of us can spend the virtual money.

Of course, they project an increase of $280,000 per year if the plan is implemented. No one stated whether or not they factored in the number of visitors who will consider The Lobster House (free parking) as their total Cape May visit before heading to the Wildwoods via the free one-way toll on Ocean Drive.

Part of the phantom loss of revenue was caused by suspending parking meter operations during the winter, first from November 1 to April 1, and presently until May 1. With the two winters factored from the equation, the revenue loss was really only $386,675.25.

Some residents have raised concerns about the proposal, especially with the parking meters on the east side. They say that, hypothetically, if they keep their vehicles parked in front of their homes full time, it would cost $4416 per annum for each vehicle. Because the price of gas, as well as the fuel efficiency of each vehicle, varies, it’s almost impossible to determine whether parking or driving will cost them more. They suggested that they should share in the revenue generated by the meters in front of their homes. Someone else stated that the city should pay the cost of creating off-street parking areas for any homes with enough space. Neither the mayor, nor the city manager, has responded to their concerns.

And the city is not without its own problems. They have hired a firm to do a cost-benefit analysis, factoring in the number of additional meter maids required, especially since many would have to be recruited from other countries. They have also considered keeping the same number of coin cops, but increasing the size of the collection boxes on the meters. This could require purchasing an armored vehicle to transport the cash. Another proposal calls for a central collection system, where the money would roll directly into city hall from the meters, simplifying the process and reducing the payroll. Some meters have already been designated for receiving credit card readers within a few months. About the only option not under consideration is a home equity loan officer stationed at each bank of meters.

Don’t get me wrong - Cape May remains a prestigious historical resort town with many attractions for young and old. It’s still a great place to drive through, and if you don’t speed, they haven’t yet figured out how to charge for that.

For the real story, visit Press of Atlantic City.

After waiting about four months for our tickets to ripen, we finally went to see Jersey Boys last week. It was well worth the wait, although it’s a long time to stand in line on the sidewalk. Just kidding - “ we actually waited at home.

Okay, so if I said it was the worst Broadway show I’ve ever seen, I wouldn’t be lying, just as I wouldn’t be lying if I told you it was the best I’ve ever seen. That’s right, it took me just a few years short of entering my dotage to see a Broadway play, even though I’ve spent a good part of my life within a couple of hours of New York City. Oh, I’ve seen plays and such, but not any of the official Broadway fare that the ultra-cultured always coo over. And I’ve seen the movie remakes of various shows, such as My Fair Lady, West Side Story, The Sound of Music, and many others. My point, however, is not to emphasize my lack of culture, but to inform you that I’m quite a few credentials short of advertising my services as an actual critic.

In 1962, Sherry, by The Four Seasons, hit the airwaves with a big splash, occupying the number one spot for five weeks during the summer. By the end of the summer, the group’s name became familiar to anyone attuned to pop music, and everyone soon knew Frankie Valli as the lead singer’s name. Many hit records followed, some by The Four Seasons, some solo by Frankie Valli, and, later, by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Jersey Boys chronicles much of this, makes it understandable, and reveals much of what most people never knew about the rise through fame of the group and its members.

By itself, the story holds enough substance to stand on its own, but the live musical performances make the audience almost think they’re listening to the original group performing the numbers. Matthew Scott substituted for John Lloyd Young for the role of Valli, and sounded remarkably like Valli, reaching the falsetto notes with ease.

The other members of the group, including the musicians, rendered the music of The Four Seasons very true to form.

It makes little sense for me to comment on the acting – remember, I’m not a critic - but I enjoyed the performance immensely.

Although I, and any listener familiar with the music of Valli and his group easily picked up subtle differences from the original hits, it only required closing my eyes and letting my mind wander to take me back to summers on the boardwalk before so many things got so crazy.

Yes, it’s the number one hit on Broadway! Yes, go see it! Buy tickets here!