Highway Surfing
The Friday night rush to the shore gained considerable momentum this past week, and in under two weeks, the Memorial Day Weekend crowd will clog the highways. Every year, some of these drivers and passengers become statistics during this frenzied rush to the resort barrier islands. In an attempt to help prevent unpleasant incidents, such as fiery crashes, I offer a few driving guidelines for parade participants:
- One important item to keep in mind is that, barring some major catastrophe or natural disaster, your friendly resort town is likely to still be there, even if you aren’t. Never forget the important story of the tortoise and the hare.
- If you tend to be one of those individuals pooping your pants to pass everyone on the road, invest in some astronaut-style diapers and relax. Remember rule No. 1.
- Check your rearview mirror. If it appears that you’re leading a parade of thirty or more cars, put on your flashers and pull onto the shoulder of the road, thus allowing some of the diaper wearers to pass. When it’s safe, reenter the roadway. Usually, this occurs at about two a.m.
- If you feel the urge to make a rest stop and are not wearing the aforementioned astronaut-style diapers, but see no rest area nearby, stop anyway. Seasoned travelers know that the woods are full of unmarked rest facilities. Ask any bear.
- If one of your primary goals is to be the first person on the beach, relax, because you will miss that goal. No one is ever the first person on the beach, because there is always someone there before you.
- Rule No. 5 applies to the boardwalk as well.
- Uncle Bill never runs out of pancakes.
- Make reservations for most of your planned activities. For maximum effectiveness, make them somewhere else.
- Never exceed the speed limit by more than ten miles per hour, unless you’re in the governor’s motorcade. Only the governor’s motorcade can travel safely at speeds in excess of . . . okay, my research assistant just informed me that I should strike that last sentence.
- Always wear your seatbelt. Only the governor can safely. . . there’s that pesky research assistant again! Never mind.
- Remember to keep things in perspective. It’s “drive, then drink”, not “drink and drive.”
My main point is that there are a lot of crazy drivers on the road and you’re probably one of them. So stay home, if at all possible. Ha-ha, I’m only kidding! We need you and your hard-earned dollars here at the shore. I just want to make sure you get them here.