Opening Weekend and Clams
Memorial Day, the unofficial start of the summer season at the shore, is almost upon us. In order to make the transition as smooth as possible, I agreed to answer questions from potential visitors to our resort:
- Q: Do you know of an easy and non-messy way of cleaning a blue claw crab?
A: Fortunately, I do. Go to your favorite restaurant and order a crab cake, or crab meat au gratin, or some similar dish. This is surely the easiest method of cleaning a crab.
- Q: Speaking of crabs, why are they called “dead man’s gills?”
A: Why, indeed? In this politically-correct world, they should be called, “dead person’s gills.”
- Q: On the Wildwood boardwalk, why do they want you to keep watching the tram cars? There’s really not much to see there.
A: I’m really not sure, although someone once suggested that they contained subliminal advertising, but that was proven false. I think they should have a horn, so people would get out of the way, instead of just standing there gawking.
- Q: How can I tell if an amusement ride is safe?
A: You can ask to do an inspection before riding. Inspect key structural components for defects. For example, if a connection calls for a high-strength bolt that was replaced with a stove bolt from Binky’s Hardware, I would advise not getting on that ride. If you really can’t tell the difference, just assume that the ride is safe, because it was also inspected by state officials who always ask the owner whether or not the ride is safe.
- Q: How can I ensure that I won’t get attacked by a shark while I’m bathing in the ocean?
A: Stand in shallow water (about six or eight inches deep) and splash yourself. The goose bumps will go away after you’re safely back on the beach.
- Q: What is “crab mustard,” and is it safe to eat?
A: It’s safe to eat, so they say. Knock yourself out.
- Q: I always have trouble opening clams. Is there some easy way to do this?
A: There is, but shucks, I haven’t figured it out yet. Buy them on the half shell.
- Q: Why does “Uncle Bill” seem to have a monopoly on the pancake business at the shore?
A: Apparently, “Uncle Lou” passed on, leaving everything to Uncle Bill.
- Q: Years ago, they had seagulls painted on the surface of Ocean Drive. Someone told me that it was supposed to prevent seagulls from dropping clams on the road, sometimes hitting cars. Why aren’t they there any more?
A: Herring gulls are a little smarter than people once thought.
- Q: I love boardwalk food. Do you have any recommendations?
A: I certainly do. Pizza, hot dogs, and sausage sandwiches are my favorites. Try not to overindulge.
I hope this provides some useful guidance to both those who sent in questions, as well as those who always wondered about these things, but could never seem to find the answers. Have a great Memorial Day Weekend, and an endless summer!
May 25th, 2007 at 1:38 am
The reason the flying in the air things formerly known as “seagulls” drop things onto the Ocean Drive bridges defies logic, as the bridges are too narrow for a dive bomber to hit, let alone a bridge or your car, or if you are lucky enough, to deposit “bird residue” through your sunroof, but that is better than a clamshell or two.
Also note that I correctly used “to, two, and too” correctly, even though I didn’t use “to” until this paragraph. Thank you, Miss Delli.
LJM
Editor’s Note:Â Yes, the bridges are narrow, but they were built when people knew how to drive. The seagulls were painted on the road, not the bridges. The Grammar Guy says he only had Miss Delli for homeroom.