Order In the Court!
Perjury charges seem to be popular these days in our nation’s capital. The following is an account of a trial as reported by one of the jurors. To protect his identity, we’ll call the defendant John Dough, because his real name is John Doe. Mr. Dough takes the stand, but the court deputy retrieves it before Dough absconds with it:
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?
Dough: My name is John Dough, your honor.
Judge: Why is that relevant?
Dough: Because you called me God. I’m not God.
Judge: No, I didn’t. I called you you, and asked God to help you. I think that’s what it means, anyway.
Dough: What was the question?
Judge: In a nutshell, I asked if you swore to tell the truth.
Dough: I think swearing would be inappropriate, especially if I’m telling the truth.
Judge: I won’t allow swearing, unless it’s necessary. Okay, then, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Dough: This is a perjury trial, your honor. If you’re trying to prove that I lied in that other trial, why would you believe me now? If I make this promise, and you decide I wasn’t telling the truth, we’ll be right back here for another trial. I don’t want to go through this again, so I’m not making any promises.
Judge: You have to swear to tell the truth.
Dough: I still think I can tell the truth without swearing. Anyway, you didn’t tell me I had to tell the truth, you simply asked me if I would. I thought I had an option here.
Judge: You have to promise to tell the truth.
Dough: This is getting ridiculous, your honor. First you ask me if I’ll tell the truth, then you tell me I have to. Why bother asking, then?
Judge: Because that’s how it’s done. I ask, and you have to say “Yes,” or, “I do,” or something similar.
Dough: Okay, then, I don’t. That’s similar, right?
Judge: It’s similar, but not close enough. If you don’t promise to tell the truth, how can we tell whether or not you’re lying?
Dough (shrugging): Well, even if I do promise, how can you tell?
Judge: I can’t. We have to go on your word.
Dough: Then I guess I’ll go ahead and say yes, with the understanding that I could be lying in some cases. And that thing about the whole truth. Can we scratch that, just in case I can’t remember some of the details?
Judge: You’re trying my patience!
Dough: I didn’t even know you were a doctor, your honor. And your patients aren’t the ones on trial here.
Judge: Look, I’m just trying to swear you in. If you don’t cooperate, I’m going to find you in contempt!
Dough: Where’s that?
Judge: Where’s what?
Dough: Contempt. Where is it?
Judge: I meant I’ll find you in contempt of court!
Dough: I don’t think you’ll find me there, your honor. I don’t even know where it is. Anyway, once I get out of this place, I’m hoping you won’t find me anywhere.
Judge (drumming his fingers): I meant I’ll fine you! Or I could even have you thrown in jail!
Dough: Well, then, you should have said you would fine me in contempt of court, although I still don’t think I’ll be there. And if you have me thrown in jail, I’ll file police brutality charges, and we’ll be right back here trying to straighten that out!
Judge: Okay, then let’s proceed. Please make a note of the fact that this is a hostile witness.
Dough: Your honor, I’m not saying I witnessed anything, and my friends consider me rather congenial.
Prosecutor: Your honor, may we have a side bar?
Judge: No side bars. We’ll break for lunch later.
Defense Attorney: I want a side bar, too, so you’re outnumbered!
Judge: Okay, we’ll have a side bar, but not now. And the jurors will have to find someplace else to eat. Now, where were we?
Prosecutor: We were about to begin. The defense attorney and I flipped a coin, and I deferred until the second half. He has elected to defend the defendant.
Judge: You don’t have to flip a coin, and you can’t defer, because there’s only one half.
Prosecutor: You can’t have only one half. You can have one whole, but not just one half. Two halves make a whole.
Judge. Okay, so we’ll have a whole. Proceed.
Defense Attorney: Did you say, “We’ll halve a whole, or we’ll have a whole?”
Judge: Yes, I did. You heard me right.
Dough: Your honor, may I go hide in contempt of court and see if you can find me?
Judge: Absolutely not! You said you didn’t even know where it is!
Dough: I thought maybe you could provide directions. Anyway, I have a GPS, so I’m sure I can find it. Then if you find me in contempt of court, I’ll come back and finish this thing, but if you can’t find me I get to go free. How does that sound?
Judge: It sounds pretty reasonable to me, but I’m warning you, I’m not going to look very hard for you!
Prosecutor: But what about the side bar, your honor? You promised!
Judge: Fine, fine, we’ll have the side bar, but for now, just let this idiot go hide in contempt of court. I’ll try to find him in it later. Order in the court! One side bar for three!