If you live in New Jersey and are considering moving to California because things just aren’t quite weird enough here, don’t waste your time. The Garden State thrives on weirdness, and I call the latest batch served up by the state, forced freedom, for want of a better term. The state Department of Environmental Protection, better known as the DEP, now threatens to withhold beach replenishment funds to any municipality not allowing 24-7 access to its beaches.
That almost sounds like a good thing, but the head honchos of various shore towns disagree. They fear people drowning, or even worse, that the towns post 24-hour lifeguards, probably equipped with night vision goggles. Other concerns include wild, unsupervised parties, people getting raked up by cleaning equipment, and loss of revenue from catching violators. I might have made that last one up, but probably not.
As a teenager I considered the beach curfew a double-edged sword. I only wanted to go on the beach at night for one reason, and it always included a girl. So while I resented the curfew law, it came in handy whenever I spotted the patrol jeep and instructed my female friend to get flat on the sand. We never got caught, although the spotlight’s beam danced around us many times. We must have looked like driftwood or something.
Back to the issue at hand. Wildwood’s mayor said the last thing he needs to worry about is the possibility of someone drowning at night. I’m not sure why he would have to worry about it, unless he were the one drowning, but he’s probably concerned that it would detract from his time worrying about how to get those 27-story high rises approved.
And why would Wildwood, of all places, care about beach replenishment funds? I moved away for a couple of decades, and when I returned, the only thing the fishermen could catch off the fishing pier were fiddler crabs, and now it requires a pretty good cast to even snag one of those. Wildwood and Wildwood Crest have so much beach they are in danger of no longer holding status as seashore communities. I haven’t heard the DEP mention anything about ocean replenishment funds.
But 24-hour beach access can be dangerous, and I speak from personal experience. Back in my Navy days, the Coronado beach was certainly cheaper than a hotel room, and much easier to manage than going all the way back to the ship. I slept there one night and woke up a bit late. I have no idea what the sun had against my feet in the instep area, but I had sunburn so bad I had a hard time walking. I almost got put on report for dereliction of duty, but finally talked my supervisor into allowing me to wear shower shoes (flip-flops to civilians) to the bridge for my duty.
Motel owners needn’t worry that they’ll lose business to the beach, because it’s just too inconvenient for most people, even if the price is right. And those sleeping too close to water’s edge could be attacked by a swarm of fiddler crabs, although I’ve never heard of it happening. Look what happened when Gulliver tried to save a few bucks by sleeping on the beach. I’m not sure that Jersey has Lilliputians, but if it did, they would be called something else. I’m just saying that no one really knows what goes on down on the beach at night, because it has always been off limits. We’ve all heard tales from the patrol people, but we’ve mostly written them off as folklore.
Cape May officials say that the DEP is threatening to withhold funds if the city doesn’t get rid of the feral cats on the beach, so there’s another compelling reason to avoid it during the darkest hours. Or during daylight, for that matter. Cats, I suppose, see the beach as nothing more than a giant litter box. If you go, take a small rake.
They also cite a case from 2005 when a police officer in an SUV ran over a sleeping tourist. The woman apparently suffered only bruises, but it could have been worse if the wrong equipment had been involved. A tractor could have run over her and raked up whatever was left, but I don’t think that’s something I should mention, because my articles are all rated PG or less.
For now, that’s about all I have to say, and I have to get back to my task at hand. I’m working on a design for headlights on surfboards.
