Laughing Matters
Ironically, the laughing gulls returned the day after I wrote my previous article. Well, some of them did, and then they disappeared when the bad weather set in. It’s possible they’ve taken refuge in a motel room, but it’s not that likely, because it’s hard to find a motel on the island these days.
Obviously, they operate on the calendar theory rather than the climate theory, or else they would have stayed in Myrtle Beach, or wherever it is they go for the winter. It’s supposed to be springtime here, but due to global warming, we’ve had rather cold weather this month. That’s what the global warming alarmists say – that the fact that global temperatures have dropped since 1998 proves that the Earth is warming.
All of our faucets in the house are hooked up backwards, I’ve discovered. When I open the spigots marked hot, hot water comes out, and cold water comes out of the ones marked cold. The thermostat is also on the blink, because when I increase the setting it gets warmer in the house. It’s apparent that neither the plumber nor the HVAC man (actually, he’s the same dude) is familiar with the global warming concept.
The higher than normal tides played a role in the disappearing seagulls, and even the herring gulls, who stayed through the winter after attending an Al Gore rant, headed for higher ground. Luckily, none of the seasonal gulls bothered building nests, which would have been washed away as soon as they were completed.
It’s also possible they were scared away by Debra’s stuff. A large, white thing, probably some type of plastic, lodged in the marsh grass during the high tide. I asked a friend what he thought it was, and he said it was Debra’s. I asked him who Debra was, and he said it was nobody. I mentioned again that he said it was Debra’s, and he agreed that it was, but insisted that it wasn’t a person. He said it was just Debra’s, you know, floating trash, like flotsam. I asked if he meant debris, and he said I could say it how ever I wanted, but it looked like Debra’s to him.
Rumor has it that about a thousand laughing gulls are considering bidding on one of the condos due to be auctioned off next month. They amassed considerable wealth during their stay in Myrtle Beach, and hope the condo developer will accept bits of pizza crust and popcorn, both of which could become valuable if the national forced ethanol project continues. They insist that pizza crust will become scarce, or at least more expensive, due to the wheat shortage, and that popcorn is more efficient than unpopped corn in making ethanol. As of this writing, neither of the claims has been verified, but it sounds as logical as anything the government can come up with.
They also recently attended a council meeting in Wildwood proper, and their attempt at convincing the mayor that both pizza crust and popcorn have been used successfully as aggregate substitutes in concrete was met with raucous laughter. My alert research assistant just informed me that she attended the meeting and no one laughed at the gulls’ suggestion. She said the raucous laughter actually occurred during the presentation, because that’s the gulls’ only way of communicating.
A contingent of herring gulls challenged the claims, strutting indignantly across the table while pointing out that neither pizza crust nor popcorn contained any significant structural properties. They added that as far as they knew, they could be used as substitutes for Styrofoam peanuts, but had to be used rather quickly, especially in the case of the pizza crusts. They did, however, state that broken clamshells had been used in the past in concrete, and that they were sitting on a massive pile of them, just waiting for the right opportunity to come along. This actually was met by raucous laughter, and created quite a flap. When the other gulls finally quieted down, the mayor said that he was well aware of the structural properties of broken clamshells. He further pointed out that concrete on the island was only expected to last a few years before being replaced.
Council tabled the matter and moved on to more important business. One of the members suggested replacing the goal posts at the local athletic field with custom-made goal posts that looked like skate egg cases. A resident pointed out that to do so would probably cause an increase in injuries when players tried to run through the goal posts. Another councilman said there was no porpoise to the silly-looking palm tree street signs, and suggested adding a dolphin. That was voted down, and a discussion ensued concerning renaming Susquehanna Avenue to Bobby Rydell Boulevard, because it’s easier to spell, especially if you use the Blvd abbreviation. A council member pointed out that they should first consider renaming Youngs Avenue to Olds Avenue, because the present name wore out about sixty years ago. He also wanted to correct the spelling of Taylor Avenue to Tailor Avenue. One of the residents wanted to know what they were getting for their ever-increasing tax dollars. The mayor stated that they were considering a giant flashing sign across Rio Grande Avenue that reads, “Watch the Tram Car Please!” A motel owner asked why they had Atlantic, Pacific, and Arctic Avenues, but no Indian Avenue. The mayor pointed out that there’s already an Indian Trail running from Route 9 to Delsea Drive, albeit that it isn’t actually on the island.
They adjourned after failing to come up with a suitable location for more giant beach balls, which are currently taking up space in an undisclosed location. One of the citizens suggested where the beach balls could be forcibly placed, but the suggestion was ignored.
The seagulls did what many citizens have wanted to do for a long time. They left their calling cards on the seats and on the floor.