So here we are approaching the big Memorial Day weekend and it was quite chilly today, due to global warming, or, as they now call it, “climate change.” Apparently, CO2 emissions cause both warming and cooling, and global warming can mean that it’s getting cooler. The approaching ice age is a result of global warming.
Just in case we actually do have a summer (the laughing gulls seem to be committed to the idea), it’s probably time to discuss crabology. Unless otherwise specified, crabs will mean blue claw crabs, one of the orneriest critters on mud.
Okay, let’s get some other crab types out of the way. The horseshoe crab, so named because it looks like a somewhat-flattened Army helmet with a tail, crawls up on the beach in early summer to lay eggs. It often gets flipped over by small waves, and that tail thing, which is not a stinger, is what the inverted crab uses to turn itself right-side-up. Apparently it doesn’t work very well, but it’s also used as a rudder, and perhaps it functions better in that capacity. Horseshoe crabs (also called king crabs, because they resemble flattened Army helmets) are edible in some parts of the world, not because they’re different, but because the people are. Unless you happen to be a red knot (a type of bird) or someone who uses the crabs for bait or fertilizer, that’s about everything you need to know about these prehensile creatures.
Then there’s the fiddler crab, formally known as the Stradivarius crab, so named because it makes screeching sounds somewhat like a violin. Okay, my research assistant just informed me that it gets its name because of its oversized claw on one side that sort of resembles a fiddle. She said it does not make screeching sounds. Only the male has the large claw. This type of crab is reluctantly ambidextrous. If it drops its fiddle, it grows another one on the opposite side, and if that one falls or gets ripped off, it grows another one on the other side. In other words, you can only keep it from pinching you until it grows another claw. Actually, it grows a mini claw where the big one used to be, and the mini claw on the other side gets big, but not immediately. I think. . . Yeah, that sounds about right. I understand that the function of the large claw is rather limited and is normally used only during special occasions, such as a hoe-down, or when acting in the musical, Fiddler Crab on the Roof.
Another crab related to the fiddler crab is the ghost crab. No one has ever actually seen one, but many people have sensed a feeling of a crab being nearby. I’m pretty sure I once stepped on one, but I was unable to confirm it.
The spider crab is probably one of the ugliest crabs around, not that a crab of any type would be considered photogenic. Strangely enough, the spider crab looks like a spider, only much bigger, and with a hard shell. Because it lives in the water, it is not considered to be a true arachnid. Like the wolf spider, it doesn’t spin webs. Its main function is to scare unsuspecting fisher persons by pretending it’s a fish. People are often horrified to discover that the sea bass they reeled in has morphed into a scary-looking creature resembling a large spider. Despite its appearance, the spider crab is relatively harmless, although you should never handle one if it has a red hourglass on its abdomen. It does play an important role in the ecology of the sea, but no one knows what it is.
If you happen to be from, or vacation in, Ocean City (NJ), you probably have a strange affection for the hermit crab. On May 1 of each year, Martin Z. Mollusk, a hermit crab, and the city’s mascot, somehow predicts whether or not summer will come early or late. It’s also one of the few places on earth that holds an annual beauty contest for hermit crabs. How weird is that? Weird people keep them as pets in a terrarium, no water required. The hermit crab, lacking a shell of its own, will attack a much larger creature, kill it, and steal its shell. Sorry. . . my research assistant has just informed me that the hermit crab is actually very docile, and gets some other denizen of the deep to dispose of the other shell’s occupant. It then applies for a certificate of occupancy, and once it’s granted, it drags the abandoned shell around as its permanent home. Most hermit crabs select empty snail shells, but some of the more wealthy crabs have been known to attach themselves to abalone shells. Many of the more domesticated crabs are actually given prefabricated shells made of plastic or some other high-tech material, such as titanium, although the latter is the exception, rather than the rule.
Other crab types exist at the Jersey Shore, including the apple crab. Never mind, I just learned that it’s the crab apple, so it’s time to move on to the topic of this article, the blue claw crab.
Blue claw crabs, no matter where they currently reside, all originated in Maryland, or at least that’s what the hype would have you believe. The people in that state (I lived there for a couple of years) also believe they invented the crab cake. Now we’re not talking an actual cake here, although some that I’ve tasted probably had enough batter mixed in to officially qualify. A crab cake is simply a mixture of crab meat and other herbs and spices, as well as something to hold it all together, the less of the latter the better. The ones dredged in bread crumbs or corn meal usually get deep fried, and others, lacking the external coating, often get broiled. But there I go again, putting the apple before the crab.
The easiest way to get blue claw crabs is to buy them, preferably already cleaned, from a store that sells them. Another way is to catch them yourself, an activity considered a “fun part of a vacation” by unsuspecting tourists. Most of these amateurs, lacking the knowledge or skills required to catch crabs via a hand line, opt for using a trap. This device needn’t be complicated, because crabs apparently never studied mechanical engineering. Most so-called recreational crab traps consist of a wire frame with doors that close when the crabber yanks on a cord, then pulls the trap from the water. Commercial traps function pretty much like lobster pots – the crab enters a large cage through ports designed to allow only one-way passage.
The more experienced crabber uses a hand line, simply a cord with bait and a sinker attached. When he “feels” the crab nibbling at the bait, he pulls the line up slowly, a hand net sitting ready to scoop up the crab. For those of you wondering how one pulls in a line and holds a hand net at the same time, there’s a simple explanation. Unfortunately, I don’t know what it is. I know, you’re probably saying to yourself, “But isn’t this more difficult, and doesn’t it result in a lower catch yield?” Well, the answer is, yes, but the number of crabs caught isn’t as important to the experienced crabber as the fun and frustration involved. These are usually the same individuals seen running through the woods with a knife, hunting everything from squirrels to deer.
One of the best parts of crabbing is watching someone new to the activity, usually accompanied by small children, attempt to capture an escaped crab. The crab also enjoys this, and scurries sideways, looking for either the water or a place to hide, all the while waving its claws in a menacing manner. This is very effective up to the point that one of the small children stomps on the crab to subdue it. Children consider crabs pretty much just big bugs.
There are several ways to pick up a live crab, but some of them are quite painful. If you’re not sure, use very long tongs. Otherwise, two methods are effective. The easiest is to grab it from behind, using your thumb (assuming you still have it at this point) and one of your remaining fingers on the top and bottom of the shell. Another is to place the thumb and finger where the paddle legs meet the shell. This works, but is a little more unstable than the first method.
Once you catch enough crabs, you’re faced with the decision of either cooking and cleaning or cleaning and cooking. Later you must decide whether to boil or steam, unless you’re talking about soft shell crabs, which is beyond the scope of this article. Assuming you want to steam the crabs, ask someone how it’s done. I’ve watched the process, but don’t care to participate, nor learn its nuances. It involves stacking the live crabs in a steamer, each with a coating of Old Bay seasoning. Note: Cooking live crabs in a microwave oven is NOT an approved method.
Boiling is simpler. You simply dump the crabs in boiling water, which can be seasoned according to your desires. The easiest way is to throw in a package of crab boil, consisting of spices contained in a net-like thing. Another way is to add the seasoning directly to the water, and this can involve allspice, Old Bay, or other commercial brands. Always add some vinegar, and preferably, some salt. Or just use vinegar and salt.
It’s impossible to cook live crabs, but they can be either live or dead before dropping them in the boiling water. This requires further explanation. If a crab dies of unnatural causes, meaning it was out of the water for too long, it’s a little iffy to bother eating it. However, you can clean the crabs before cooking them, in which case they’re officially dead before going in the pot. Either way, cleaning them is pretty much the same. Almost.
Cleaning live crabs involves subduing the creatures in some manner. Some people stun them with hot water, and others claim cold water works better. Or you can put them in the freezer or refrigerator for awhile, which puts them into a dormant state. Extremists like to kill the crab using a Samurai sword or a gun, but those methods are considered to be “overkill,” and are not recommended, especially for first-timers. Holding the crab from behind, lift the flap, pull it off, then pull off the upper shell to expose the gills and other innards. Scrape off the gills, then rinse the insides, including the mustard. If you like crab mustard, the crab should not be cleaned before cooking. With kitchen scissors, or a knife, cut off the mouth and eye stalks, and your crab is ready to go in the pot.
When crabs are cooked before cleaning, the cleaning method is pretty much the same, except that the crab is usually cleaned at the table, without using water. This gives you the added benefit of eating the “mustard,” if you so desire. I don’t eat the mustard, because I know it’s not really mustard, but some people swear by it. If you like sucking the heads of crawfish, you’ll probably go in for crab mustard in a big way.
Now, where the heck is the meat, you’re wondering? Well, some is in the claws, and a nutcracker or hammer is usually required. Experienced pickers use the handle of a butter knife. The rest of the meat is inside the body, so break the crab in half and start exploring. The easiest way to get the desirable “backfin” meat is to pull off the paddle, or backfin, and a large chunk of meat should come out. Then break open the cells containing the rest of the meat (the interior membrane is rather soft).
Cracking and eating crabs is a very rewarding experience, and often causes minor lacerations on the hands and fingers. Sometimes a tiny piece of shell lodges in the skin, resulting in an infection. Flying shell pieces also sometimes embed themselves in the cornea of the eye, but blindness is usually temporary, if treated promptly and properly. Hey, I’m only kidding – that doesn’t really happen, at least not all the time.
Okay, another fun crab activity is to go to a restaurant and order crab cakes, or crab meat au gratin, or some other prepared crab dish. This pretty much removes the element of danger, and transfers the burdens of catching, cleaning, and cooking to more experienced third parties. Have a crabby day!
