“Channel three news desk,” said the voice through the receiver. “How may we help you?”
“Uh, yeah, I’d like to talk to the weather dude,” I responded.
“Okay, just a minute.”
“This is the weather dude. How may I help you?”
“I just wanted to let you know that it’s going to be hot and hazy for three more days,” I said.
“Yes,” he replied, sounding a little irritated. “I know that. I’m the weather dude, and they pay me to know these things.”
“Oh,” I said, “Well then why did you ask?”
“What do you mean? Why would I ask you what the weather is going to be?”
“That, I don’t know,” I said. “But on the last promo, you asked, ‘How long is this heat wave going to last?’ I thought you wanted to know.”
“I just meant that I was going to tell you. I wasn’t really asking a question.”
“Then you shouldn’t really have asked a question,” I said. “I thought you actually wanted someone to tell you.”
“No, I didn’t want someone to tell me. I didn’t expect anyone to take me literally. I have to go now, but thanks for calling.”
“Right,” I said. “And by the way, tell the news dude that the reason the guy with the funny-looking hat is grinning is because he caught a big striper. That’s my guess, but it’s only a guess.”
“I’ll let him know, but I’m sure it was a rhetorical question.”
“I thought it was some kind of contest, or something. You know, like on the oldies radio shows when you have to be the first or fourteenth caller with the right answer. So, you’re telling me I haven’t won anything?”
He sighs through the phone. “No, and you didn’t even have the right answer.”
“Not even about the weather?”
“Well, yeah, you were right on that one. There’s no prize, though.”
“Oh. Hey, do you remember when you said it was going to rain. . .” CLICK!
Parking lot owners in Wildwood stick it to visitors by charging high prices every time the island gets crowded. Other times, they beg people to use their lots. The mayor wants to build parking decks, along with high-rise hotels. Decent public transportation could help solve some of the parking problems in the city, without building huge parking decks. Even without the decks, residents are facing a 25-cent tax increase, largely to help fund the Morey’s tax appeal.
The Toonerville Trolley that runs on the island is pretty much a joke. My niece works on the boardwalk, and she has to pay to park. I looked into the trolley schedule for North Wildwood, and it runs about every hour-and-a-half or so, and stops at five o’clock in the afternoon. That’s hardly workable.
The previous bus system, The Five Mile Beach Electric Railway, meaning old buses, was only slightly better. When I and my friends worked on the boards and had to take the bus, we usually started walking and beat the bus most of the time.
Thirty years ago, my senior design thesis at Drexel involved a monorail system running from the motels in the Crest, along the boardwalk, and ending at the motels in North Wildwood. I also considered a transportation station and parking lot offshore, so day trippers wouldn’t even have to drive onto the island.
The clowns now running the city don’t even recognize that the streets are a disgrace, hardly fitting for a popular resort town. They’re too busy dreaming about high rises, parking garages, and giant beach balls. The downtown area along Pacific Avenue used to be a bustling hub, with both shopping and popular nightclubs.
The copycat pedestrian mall succeeded in driving most businesses out of business. No one wanted to walk several blocks to buy something. Cape May’s pedestrian mall works because most of the businesses are restaurants and tourist-oriented shops. This was never the case in Wildwood.
The first silly-looking sidewalks, with turquoise waves, never caught on, so they tore up the sidewalks and put in the new ones. Some genius decided the sidewalks should be widened at the corners, creating patios that take up space and make it almost impossible to make a right turn onto the avenue while staying within the lane boundaries. The downtown area now looks much like a ghost town. The only thing missing are the tumbleweeds, but maybe city officials can manage to buy some fake ones, sort of like all the fake doo-wop items spread throughout the town.
On a happier note, I wrote to Senator Jeff Van Drew concerning the problem with printing the full credit card number on the store’s copy of a receipt. He agreed that it was a problem, and a new bill has passed both the House and Senate, making it mandatory that no more than the last five digits of a credit card can be printed on the merchant’s copy. Nor can the expiration date be printed. Hats off to Senator Van Drew for recognizing the importance of identity theft protection.
Of the four businesses mentioned in my previous column, The Bellevue, in Cape May Court House, started complying, apparently voluntarily. Of the other three, I visited only The Crest Tavern, and the owners still did not consider it important to protect the identities of its patrons, but that will soon change. . .
The Independence Day fireworks didn’t come off in Wildwood, due to nasty weather. One of the best kept secrets is if or when they intend to shoot them off. The holiday spectacular costs six times as much as the regular Friday-night display, so it’s worth watching if it ever happens.