It would be time for my annual Memorial Day column if there were such a thing, but since there isn’t, I’ll just move along with my biennial, or triennial, or whatever it is Memorial Day column, which offers advice for summer visitors to the Jersey shore. I guess that means I write it every two or three years or so.
The best way to get to the Wildwoods is by train. Unfortunately, all of the train tracks were removed long ago and converted to bike paths. If you’re coming by bicycle, pack lightly and allow a day or two for travel in each direction.
For those of you coming from far away, it’s very convenient to fly into Cape May County International Airport, if you happen to have your own airplane. Otherwise, you can hitchhike from Atlantic City International Airport, which resembles the real thing, only on a much smaller scale. It’s not in Atlantic City, sort of how The Crest Tavern is not in Wildwood Crest. Nor is Anglesea Auto Repair (don’t go there) in Anglesea. What is it with these places? The Quebec motel is not in Quebec, and The Nassau Motel is not in Nassau, and The Nantucket Motel is not in Nantucket. . . I could go on and on, but strangely enough, The Heart of Wildwood motel is in Wildwood and The Offshore Motel is offshore, meaning inshore, or onshore. If you’re one of those people who thinks that offshore means out in the ocean, rather than inland you would be right, but you wouldn’t be from Cape May County. Don’t ask me. . . By the way, Laura doesn’t own Laura’s Fudge. I know Uncle Bill can’t be flipping pancakes in all of those places.
If you plan on staying at one of the island’s famous Doo-wop motels, you may need a time machine to go back to that era. Condos are readily available at exorbitant prices. For those who consider a stay in a high-rise hotel as the ultimate in beach vacations, your best bet is to go to Myrtle Beach. The future for high rises in Wildwood is still a possibility if the ousted mayor, waiting with his concrete trucks, ever gets his way. You’d think they’d do something with that block the Rio Motel used to sit on, like put in bocce ball courts, or shuffleboard, or a few kiddy rides. Even a flea market would be better than letting it sit there hurting peoples’ eyes. Maybe they have some more of those giant beach balls sitting around somewhere.
For those of you coming from Pennsylvania, you may be shocked to know that New Jersey’s traffic signs and signals differ considerably from those in PA. Stop signs and traffic signals apply to everyone, not just the other guy, so don’t go barreling through either one as if you’re a cop trying to get to Wawa. On main thoroughfares, you’re not required to stop at every intersection, and there’s no requirement for applying your brakes every few hundred feet while driving on a highway. Only the right foot should be used for both the accelerator and brake, thus ensuring that you’re not trying to stop and go at the same time. Your vehicle should be kept to the right of those yellow lines on the road, even on curves.
Some visitors have asked if it’s considered a hobby, such as bird watching, to watch tram cars. I explain that the “Watch the tram car,” announcement means to get out of the way, rather than to explicitly watch it. This is the slogan someone picked long ago, and it’s probably better than using an air horn.
They planted new palm trees at the Sunset Bay restaurant, because the ones from last year didn’t survive the winter, due to global warming. The owners apparently are not aware of the fact that only one type of palm tree is indigenous to the Wildwoods, and that’s the plastic palm. These seem to thrive in all types of weather, and, if desired, the fronds can be removed and stored for the winter; I suppose to reduce color fade.
Mariner’s Landing has a new attraction, the secret Ghost Ship. The idea isn’t much different from the old pirate ship, Skua that was a featured attraction on Hunt’s Pier for a couple of decades. It’s sure to make more money for the Moreys, whether it’s good or bad. They’re still making money from that stupid slide they dragged up here from Florida way back when.
Yes, they have the Midas touch, and have now secured liquor licenses in Wildwood for their boardwalk restaurants. They already had one in North Wildwood for a water park. What could be better than getting snockered while your kids are playing in the water? I suppose Ocean City still has some good points. They don’t allow booze to be sold anywhere in town, let alone on the boardwalk. My last bit of advice is to wait until you actually get here to start drinking, and quit long before you leave. A lot of you people drive crazy enough when you’re sober.
In keeping with the true meaning of Memorial Day, it looks as if the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial replica will be finished before the weekend. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to stop by and pay your respects.